Cruises are amazing — floating hotels with buffets, waterslides, and endless excuses to wear stretchy pants. But there is one thing that can ruin the vibe faster than soggy pizza at midnight: that passenger.

You know who I am talking about. The one everyone else on the ship side-eyes while muttering “bless their heart.” So, in the name of fun, relaxation, and preserving the sacred cruise buffet line, here is my rant:

1. The Chair Hog

If you toss a towel on a pool chair at 6 a.m. and vanish for five hours — congrats, you have become the villain of the pool deck. Nobody is impressed with your towel-saving strategy, Karen.

Cruise Karma Rule: If your butt’s not in the chair, the chair is not yours. End of story.

2. The Elevator Button Masher

Newsflash: the “close door” button is decorative. Hitting it twenty-seven times will not magically warp-speed us to Deck 12. Also, do not get on for one deck when there are twenty of us crammed inside. Take the stairs, champ. Consider it a down payment on tonight’s midnight nachos.

3. The Buffet Line Warrior

The buffet is not the Hunger Games. No need to hover over the shrimp cocktail like you are guarding buried treasure. And please, for the love of gravy, do not cut the line. You are not storming the beaches of Normandy — you are waiting for mashed potatoes. Relax.

Cruise Buffet Strategy: Grab it, move along, come back for round two. We all know you will.

4. The Hallway Opera Singer

At 2 a.m., after “just one more drink,” you might feel moved to belt out Sweet Caroline in the hallway. Spoiler: the entire deck did not buy tickets to your concert. Cabin walls are thinner than a tortilla chip — and just as crunchy when you step on them.

Save the performance for karaoke night, where the worst you will get is polite clapping.

5. The Deck-Party Olympian

I love a good party. But if you are double-fisting margaritas and leading the Macarena at 11 a.m. while the rest of us are still digesting breakfast — maybe pace yourself. Security does not hand out medals for “Most Enthusiastic Passenger.”

Water between cocktails. You will thank yourself… and so will your liver.

6. The Rule Breaker Extraordinaire

Sneaking into “crew only” doors, ignoring dinner dress codes, or trying to smuggle a blender onboard in your carry-on… you are not a rebel, you are just making everyone else cringe.

Pro tip: The rules are not to ruin your fun; they are to keep you from becoming a cautionary tale at the muster drill.

Final Thought

Cruises are meant for fun, relaxation, and maybe a little too much dessert. Do not ruin it by being that passenger. If we all play nice, we can keep the sea friendly, the chairs available, and the shrimp cocktail flowing.

Until next time, I am Brian — and remember to Take the Trip!

(And if you absolutely must sing in the hallway at 3 a.m., at least make it Bohemian Rhapsody. Go big or go home.)